Welcome Back, Perspective

Let’s just say a couple weeks ago, I fell into some old habits…hard. They weren’t kidding when they said, yes, you will make mistakes, but it’s about recognizing when you need to slow down again, refocus on priorities, and move forward along this new path.

Things I’ve had to remind myself lately:

• Even the least suspecting of friends may have your back more than you think. Give them a chance.
• When I wear myself out, I get physically sick. Violently sick. As frustrated as it can be to be so much more limited than I ever used to be, I’m grateful at my ever-increasing ability to recognize where that line and to make the conscious choice to not cross it.
• My friends are suffering too. Some I’m watching the beginnings of the kinds of suffering as I have been. It will become ever important for me to be compassionate to them, to help them in ways I know I needed it, but to also allow them to ask for help and not push it on them.
• My stomach has been progressively getting pickier. This has enabled me to decide to start a completely clean diet (starting in July) with a possible exception of ginger ale, which I need for the ginger and carbonation to sooth my belly. For this, I am grateful.
• Putting so much emphasis on a guy made me lose track of what I’m trying to accomplish. When I am focusing on my needs, I remember that I have reserved energy and special meal plans. I remember that I’m trying to get out of debt so I can go back to school for my Masters in Nutritional Epidemiology with RD and my massage therapy license, thus moving toward opening a wellness center. I remember that I wanted to take dance lessons because of the joy it brings me, and forcing myself into an environment that dampers that joy is damaging. I don’t need people in my life who are setting me back from truly living the life I need and deserve. The right guy will understand that.
• While most of my life has felt like a defense mechanism, I need to continue learning that allowing fear to dictate my perceptions of what I think others think about me will only set me back. I also need to continue my practice with mindfulness, not just in bad times but also in good. That’s how to make it a habit. Focus on what I can control in this moment, today.
• My family is simply fantastic. I have a dad who gets it (he has MG) and a mom who really just wants to connect and try to be there for me. A turd-face brother who is not afraid to call me turd-face back while putting me in a loving headlock. A brother and sister-in-law, both with the right amount of common sense and quirkiness to have spawned some absolutely hilarious and lovable offspring. A brother who, somehow, turned out to be the one who keeps me grounded, reminding me of exactly what I need to hear in a moment of need. A dear, dear sister, who, even miles apart, brings a smile to my heart. And, one gnarly grandma who opted for late-night froyo and pizza with her granddaughter (this same one let me talk her into getting her first tattoo this past Christmas). These are the people I don’t have to try around. Spend more time with them.
• I’ve come a lot farther in the last few months than I’m willing to give myself credit for. Though, for some reason, I feel like people should recognize it like I’d gone from black to blond. It’s more internal, like my ability to even recognize stressors, think through situations, and literally slow down. It’s ok if I’m the only one who knows the changes.

I’ve been reading the Huffington Post’s Blog “The Moment I Knew”. It’s a series on the moments people knew they needed to de-stress. While sometimes the comments people leave the authors can be harsh, I try to remember that I myself was not long ago in a position where I might’ve said to suck it up because I did it or even now acknowledge that I create some of my own stress. But, not everyone learns how to deal with stress in healthy ways, and sometimes that’s not their fault. My friends kept telling me to slow down, but I literally didn’t know how. My body had become so efficient at doing it the wrong way, none of the ways I tried to change it came close to working. It took me hitting several metaphorical brick walls to put myself in the cocoon for change.

I’m thinking of submitting an entry.